The version that looked right
The version that looked right
the story
the story
For fifteen years I built a career that looked extraordinary from the outside.
I earned a PhD in nuclear engineering. Worked my way to Research Director: managing teams, programs, and tens of millions of dollars in funding. Became an internationally recognized expert in nuclear arms control and nonproliferation. Received fellowships, awards, and recognition from the United States government along the way.
From the outside: everything was working - and it was working well.
But from the inside: I was running on empty and had no idea how to stop.
I wasn't burned out in the way people talk about burnout. I was still functioning, still performing, still showing up. But something essential had gone quiet. The work that used to feel meaningful felt like maintenance. The life I had built carefully and deliberately didn't feel like mine anymore.
And then: the bottom dropped out. I developed debilitating chronic illness. And I hit a wall I couldn't think, optimize, or work my way through.
And I was forced to stop.
